1. AT WORK
Why you may ask? Because there isn't shit to do there except fucking jack off old people hoping for a ladder up or go in the bathroom and look at ur phone to avoid thinking about all the stuff you did wrong. Also the more actual work you do at work the more you get blamed for for fucking trying so its best to avoid it. Just like with a woman the fastest way to get her out is to do the right thing and she'll be with your best friend or trainer or whoever the fuck faster than you can say "why do you hang out with your coworkers so much after work sweetums ill make dinner if you want xoxo?" Welcome to reality you stupid fucks trying is for suckers and 18 yr old faggots grow a pair and get ahead.
2. On the side of the road on my way to work
Why you may ask? Because of course in this endless turmoil of 8-5 with an hour commute on either side you can barely get decent food in your stomach. Also the thought of not diving headlong into traffic because your tummy kind of hurts or calling in sick for the same reason went out the window long ago because you never get days off here in shitville and your life is total garbage. Roll the dice a few times (which you are forced to do) and inevitably it comes up snakeyes bitch and you pull over, pull out, and go to town like a straight gangstuh not givin a fuck. Sadly enough even people in 3rd world country's have time to shit its only here in america where sometimes basic comforts just cost too fucking much.
Not to mention our infrastructure budget sucks ass so traffic keeps getting worse and worse while all the old white mummys on capitol hill pull in 250k a year and only go to work like 60 days or some shit. And their sweet retirement on old money and bullshit pension pretty much insures that the middle class will shrink more than ur faggoty nutbag in the presence of your one and only right after the pump-a-dump. Just try not to get too much of it on your shoes or in your underwear while you crouch on the side of the road in plain sight and if you do just ditch the undies and play off the rest like you stepped in it or something.
3. In my van in a box on the side of the road on my way to work like a dog!
Why you may ask? Same reasons as #2 except today you're driving your van and you happen to have a box of your band stuff back there which can be appropriated to suit your needs. The shit comes out the shit goes in.
4. Someone else's house
Why you may ask? We all know that going to people's houses sucks because now that your 30+ everybody is always about just watching TV and trying to convince each other to hit the club even tho they never get laid and TV sucks. Our generation is fucked. I have found the most sure fire way to never get re-invited is to pull out the stops and dry dock that son of a bitch right before you leave. That way they have to get their face right the fuck down there next to my fuckin' drying out pile to turn the water back on; they won't call you back and that's good trust me you don't want these humorless troglodyte retards in your life 'nayway. Bonus points for shotgunning a beer and spilling some on their floor between the bathroom and their front sidewalk on your way outtie
5. In my pants because I'm an alcoholic
So my buddy owns a sausage shop.... no srsly. Anyway he and the brewery employees know eachother well so Im chillaxin' and they got free beer and free sausage all night! Next thing I know I'm hanging my underwear on the bathroom stall for all to see and driving home at 9am sitting on my wadded up sweatshirt because Santa payed me a non-seasonal visit to my undaroos while I was asleep and he must have known I was the baddest guy around by sorting his list of internalized guilt. In hindsight I should have just put the boxers in garbage instead of being a total asswipe like that but hindsight reveals quite a bit so I won't go into it anymore.
better get back on the phone to avoid thinking! cya guys!
© stasis January 25th, 2015