You will never need a 7 string guitar dipshit.
trust me
I have been interviewing for a 2nd guitarist to fill a position in my band. I thought it would be easy,
as most of the songs I write are not very complex. We lack a singer as well so currently I do the vocals.
So basically I just need some shwoog to stand there play the backing (palm muted power chords)
on some metal riffs while I solo and sing and basically run the whole damn show like a man should.
Since the first tryout things have gone downhill. The last 2 guys have both played 7 string guitars, and trust me,
they didnt need that extra string. Its not as if I'm looking for a guitar god or anything, I have my expectations set
at a reachable level. What astounds me is that most of these guys are better than me- or so it seems at first.
They will show up and the first thing they will need is help setting up my amp, which is a backup amp and is solid state.
They will immediately find a way to make the amp sound like total shit, and turn it waaaaay down so they won't hurt their ears.
This is a fucking metal band, if it is anything, it is loud. But I let it slide. Then they will whip out their fancy pants
7 string custom made whatever the fuck that their mom bought them from a magazine, and play appregios in the key of c or g major
faster than anything I have ever seen! They are amazing guitarists at this point, or so it would appear.
Next, I compliment them on their technique and show them some riffs from my band. Some riffs contain as little as 1 note. They
attempt to play said riff, and fail. They attemt to play the riff while I play it over and over to get
them up to speed. They fail. The simplest riff I gave these guys at the end when they failed all other tests
was just the intro to "she wolf" from
Megadeth. They fail at playing it. These guys can play so fast it will boggle your mind, but I'll be damned if they can play
a triplet. I find it completely mind boggling how much they suck. I have composed a list of ways to save time before an
tryout for a metal band. If you ever are looking for a guitarist and maybe it will work for other position as well.
Here it is:
Before the interview:
1. If they play a 7 or 8 string guitar, don't return their phone calls. Joe Satriani plays a six string, and he does
alright, so why is some dumass garage musician carrying more musical capability? Don't let him in your house, I promise he will be
an idiot.
2. If they even mention the word "jazz," don't return their calls. Jazz musicians fucking suck and if you can play
jazz the suck has already invaded part of your talent so you should just give up on life. Jazz musicians are the worst musicians
on the planet.
3. If they mention anything about having a music instructor, don't return their calls. Instructors
are not capable of instructing proper metal technique. Metal cannot be taught, only learned after many nights of exessive drinking
and hurting loved ones. A real metal guitarist would rather drink piss from a shit cup than take your 10$ for an hour of teaching.
4. If they a play a fender or similar brand, don't even bother to finish reading their email. I already knew this though,
so I didn't have to suffer through any of their lame ass shit.
5. There's more, I just forgot what it was.
During the tryout:
1. If they have their guitar strap adjusted short so the neck is way up in the air, kick them out. Nobody
would ever play a show like that. Having a short strap in a metal band is like having a fucking tie in a biker gang
-for queers only.
2. Ask them to play simple stuff first, like just repeating triplets at a reasonable rate. If they can't do it,
just make them leave.
ok im done. I am fed up with typing, playing, laughing, and heckling. All the joy is gone from my life. If you
got one thing out of this article, let it be this:
Having a 7 string guitar and sucking is like having a retard riding a motorcycle. Someone is going to die very soon.
August 8th, 2009
mail me? stasis@stasisrant.com
leave me alone