For everyone planning to go to this exceptionally renowned institution, I would like to congratulate you on your choice of colleges. No doubt this was your first pick in the long list of schools to which you had been accepted after you almost flunked out of public high school. Your choice in no way reflects your lack of financial stability or troubled childhood.
Since you will of course be attending the non-mandatory tour of campus before actually showing up to your first day of class, because you have no life, It may seem redundant that I will be giving you a "virtual" tour here today. But don't start whining like a pregnant high school cheerleader yet, I will give you a few tips in order to give you the inside track at this establishment. First of all I would like to list certain student resources and ways they can benefit you.
1.The Gym
What day in your life is complete without a trip to the gym? If you're a fat lazy pig American like everyone else, chances are that you feel depressed every time you look in the mirror, and have no need for the gym. Gyms have mirrors everywhere. Who wants to see their impotent fat ass trying to climb a fake set of stairs back and forth all day; when guys like me are having trouble just carrying a black book full of girls panties with phone numbers written on them everywhere.
2.The bursars office
The bursar's office renders the service of cashiers to the students, who constantly have to pay top dollar out the ass for the services that the school provides. It can be a useful tool if a student needs to check his/her balance that is due to the school. It can also be implemented to pay the balance of their fees before the drop deadline so he/she will not be dropped randomly by the automated drop program. The same drop program that SJSU uses to make sure that they get paid for all the services they render even before they actually render them.3.The admissions office
A wonderful place where dreams are crushed and the power created from that is used to turn fables into reality. Who knew that after attending community college for three years that you would need some bs transcript from an "official" organization to prove that you took calculus A in high school. Nevermind that you've had five calculus classes since then, not to mention Differential equations, quantum physics, etc.. You still need a control systems degree to understand what the fuk is happening! Luckily for you, I have one:
4.The Bookstore
The bookstore is yet another treasure inside of SJSU's magic box of wonder.
5.The counseling office
The counseling center is located by the fuckville street parking garage away from campus and its primary application is to provide general counseling for the students of SJSU. When you get general education counseling, you will obtain a simple list of classes you are required to take in order to graduate. You can rest assured knowing that the list that was approved by your counselor will be obsolete within a year, so the classes you should be taking will be changed without anyone notifying you until you attempt to graduate. Being notified that you have been taking the wrong classes because of a clerical error is a beautiful Easter egg to find six months before you graduate. The counseling office is a resource that every student will be entitled to, free of charge. Unless you consider being pummeled in the ass by an 800lb gorilla a charge.You may ask: Stasis, don't prophets like you normally charge money for this kind of crucial advice? How is it that you are so benevolant?
The answer to those questions is simple:1. I'm not a prophet,
and 2. You're a tool.
© stasis May 4th, 2008